Posts tagged relationships

it will be the 15th. Or 2 weeks until I was supposed to get married. I fucking hate this. Seriously. & right now, it’s Valentine’s Day and I’m alone, eating chocolate and watching teen mom. So here I go down memory lane…

Our first date kinda sucked. I originally blew him off for our first date because someone else invited me out and I decided to go. Bitch move. We rescheduled and he was late. Which I deserved after I blew him off. I hung out in my car talking to a friend so that I didn’t look like an idiot waiting for him inside by myself. I saw him pull in and watched him walk up to Boston Pizza and made him wait before I got out… lol. He was in jeans, a polo shirt, and a hat. I don’t think he matched but he still looked cute. I saw him checking me out as I walked up. He made the check out obvious and did the up and down several times. We went inside and had a couple of drinks and I could feel my face getting red from nervousness… I was so mad at myself. He also told me later on I talked too much.. another nervous habit but he said it was a good thing. Him being late + drinks = us late to the movies… we went and saw an Adam Sandler movie and for the life of me, I cannot remember the title right now. I can remember wanting him to grab my hand or do something cute but it didn’t happen. At the time, I thought he was not interested, but it’s just how he is…shy and laid back.

After the movie, we walked back to my car and I was playing with my keys but we kept talking. He claims I kept trying to drag the conversation on but I had my keys out! He was the one standing there… I wasn’t just going to get in my car and leave him standing behind it lol. He claims I was begging to be kissed. Really, that wasn’t my intention at all. Regardless, I was happy with the kiss. He made me giddy. I left with butterflies and a really stupid smile on my face.

Before I met him, I had planned to go camping with friends. I had told him about it and told him if he wanted he could bring some friends and join us. I really didn’t think he would but him and his friends showed up. The whole point of bringing up this camping thing… I loved one of the nights we spent there. We were on the beach, talking, cuddling, and staring at the water and the stars and it was nothing short of perfect. He was so understanding and we talked about anything. I felt so comfortable and content. I knew he was going to be someone very important to me…. I’d say I fell in love with him there and then, but…

oh, Happy Valentine’s Day :P

It’s been 2 weeks of this ear shit. I’m fucking sick of it. I can’t hear in that ear. It’s supposed to be showing signs of healing…not bleeding and showing signs of infection. The doctor told me if it didn’t start showing progress that one of two things will happen:

1) An ENT specialist gets to put some piece of healing magic paper in my ear, which can take several times to actually work.

2) Surgery

Fuck.Fuckity.Fuckfuck. If one of those 2 options do need to happen, it’ll happen right around the time the baby is due or within newborn stage. Awesome. 

Although, the other alternative is worse which is permanent damage. Which means I could be partially deaf forever. Which will drive me insane. It’s so hard to hear when people are speaking in a crowded room or if the television is on…basically, if there is any other noise in the room, it’s super hard to hear what I’m supposed to. It also throws off balance and just general shit. Like seeing someone talk on my left side but hearing them on the right, fucks me up.

On the positive, I’ve finally figured out a method to shower without getting my ear too wet. 

I’ve also been single for 54 days. It hasn’t gotten any easier. It’s become harder. I just wish people would stop telling me things. I don’t want to know if he’s actually saying some of these things - the good and the bad. The good sends me backwards in the process. I begin to think of all the good things. The happy memories. The times where he was happy too. The bad just makes me wonder where the person is I fell so madly in love with. If the one saying all these horrible things about me is the real him. Some days I want to call and just talk like we used to. To hear that he misses me and is thinking of me. That he misses our family. Then reality stops that thought with what he could do. I’d even just talk to find out what made him hate me so much.

I realize everyone is different and they heal differently. But when I had a feeling that he was back on a certain site, and found out I wasn’t wrong, I was devastated. Maybe it wasn’t what it looked like. I’ll never know. Really, it’s none of my business. It’s just hard to know the man I’m having such a hard time getting over, has/is moving on.

But hitting on a pregnant woman when she’s:

-newly single

-carrying someone else’s child inside of her

is really wrong. If someone really wanted to pursue something, wouldn’t it be best to give the pregnant chick time to heal? To maybe let her give birth to the child first?!

Jesus Christ.

I realize that I don’t wear a sign that says this, but there is no point in trying to get into a relationship with me. It won’t go anywhere. I have no need or desire to introduce another male to my children. Which means “we” would never live together. “We” would never celebrate holidays and there would be no need to meet family members.

I have no desire to be hurt. I have no desire to be married anymore. The idea makes me physically ill. Yeah, I had pictured myself walking down the aisle to one man… but that won’t happen and no, I’m not going through that again.

I’ll be fixed soon enough so there goes that “family” dream. I don’t want to be attached to anyone other than my children.  I have my children and I have myself… that’s all I need <3  

If someone has just ended their wedding plans, don’t offer to take their honeymoon package off their hands…

Then don’t text them later that day to remind them that you want it.

it’s the good ones. The happy ones. The ones everyone wants to go back to.

For if they loved you, you wouldn’t need to be reassured. Don’t waste your time trying to make someone love you. Someday, you’ll find the person who has been waiting and wanting to love you for everything you are. Don’t waste your tears on the ones who could care less. Spend your energy with the ones worth your love, not the ones trying to ruin it.

and that’s ok. If it took you that short of a time, you weren’t worth my time at all.

it’s that I love us too much to let it continue

Some days I’m fine,
Some days I can’t stop my mind.
Just give me time,
I’ll leave our memories behind.

Stared at someone you love and realized what a stranger they are? To know that what you love was only what they chose to show you, that they couldn’t give them self entirely to you. It’s reality.